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The Word has 3 properties. He's independent, he's with God and he is God. The triad that is our God appears here. It seems to be beyond my understanding. I accept that You are 3 and 1 at the same time. But I don't understand it. Nor why it's that way. By comparison I am only one. But that doesn't help me understand. The Word was used to make all things in the beginning. Can it still be used to make things? Can man wield it? Apparently not or someone would have. And that's a good thing. Or do we use it every day as we read and are guided by the Holy Spirits insight? That can change me, that insight. It can condemn me or give me peace. It can motivate me or help me make a decision. It tells me more about You. You are 3 and 1 whereas I am only 1. So, your very basis is different, more vast than what I can know. Intricate and connected in a way I'm incapable of..until You give that to me. Which brings me to internalizing grace? I think I have a problem internalizing Your grace. Oh, I know You forgive me. I wonder if I've forgiven myself? Sometimes I think so and then something will pop up that makes me doubt it. It's as if Your forgiveness, as great as it is, isn't enough. How can that be? From the 3 and 1 to the 1 should be more than I ever need. I should bath in Your grace; there is so much of it. And it should be sufficient because there is no higher, no broader, no more encompassing forgiveness.
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| Been awhile. Been back to Rwanda and that was difficult and amazing. It satisfied my deep desire to return. Lots of spiritual warfare came out of it, and again the group was in conflict which led to some severed relationships. But it was a pleasure and a stretch to be there in the swarm that is God's Will. It was wonderful being there as He blesses that small nation in magnificent ways. What we brought can be used to heal their wounds of the genocide. I heard more than I wanted about the genocide this time, directly from them, their personal stories. The horror is so hard to face, even as an outsider. How people could be so cruel to each other is beyond my understanding. Since coming home I've been at loose ends not really knowing or dedicated to anything but with many plates spinning. I was asked to teach a bible study class for high schoolers. I accepted though reluctantly. I've been unsuccessful as a teacher in the past. Still, when God says go I have promised to go. But my heart isn't in it. Nor is it in the new CR I'm involved with. (Celebrate Recovery). They are doing a study called Life's Healing Choices. A great study but much like the work I've done on myself for the last 9 years. So, I sit in that group because I'm part of it...but not really invested in it. I'm in a step study for myself but hardly know where to go with this one (my 6th). And then there's the small group I lead. Took their "temperature" last night. They said they're happy with the curriculum, the worship, the fellowship, and the ministries we participate in (we call them "on demand ministries). But I'm looking for something more. It seems like I've been here before, doing these same things only with a different cast of characters. I've led this group for 10 years and watched it go through the same stages with different people. I've learned group dynamics and evolution. I've been experiencing a spiritual malaze I think. Waiting for what God has next. | | |
| This trip to Rwanda was very different than the last one (see July-Aug 2007 in the archives). In many ways this trip makes the last one feel shallow. Oh, I think it was necessary to go on the last trip as this one would have been much harder to experience without avoiding some of the culture shock. One member of our team who was new to Rwanda did experience some shutting down. It just becomes too much if you're an empathetic person. So, what was different? Well, we went to train a specific curriculum for starters. But, probably the most significant difference came in getting closer to the genocide victims and perpetrators. If I let it, it was like viewing it from afar myself. I'm notorious for not thinking things through. And this trip was no exception. If I had thought it through, of course I would have anticipated that they would want to apply Celebrate Recovery to the invisible wounds of genocide. And how can it apply? It digs up all the horror, the pain, the shame but will it allow healing through the steps? I know that it's up to God. But, I'm also responsible to be realistic with expectations and not promise what can't be delivered. Healing from genocide experiences was not promised but hoped for. We could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. We landed late on a Thursday night. It was almost Friday morning. I was beyond tired from 36 hours of travel and virtually no sleep. If I could have found a soft spot I would have curled up on it. As it was, the Kigali airport was at least familiar and not scary in the middle of the tropical night.  ok. This is not Kigali. It's Detroit. We had a layover and they had to de-ice. It was fun to watch.
 11:59 pm
Maurice was there, a familiar face. I knew him from our last trip. He's employed by Saddleback Church as our transportation coordinator. He presented John-Marie, our driver. After the obligatory picture (my husband is the photo historian on this trip) we piled into the also familiar white van with it's funky seating arrangement. I noticed that the steering wheel was on the right.  
We checked in at the Iris Guest House. Rwanda doesn't have hotels. It has guest houses. This is a nice place by Rwandan standards. The nicest we would stay in during our time there. We fell into bed after putting up our mosquito net. Oh, it felt so good to be horizontal.  
The next morning we breakfasted on the guest house patio. Fresh baked bread, hard boiled eggs, banana's and African tea. Not sure what kind of eggs they were. 
We headed off to the P.E.A.C.E. office with John-Marie. I don't know if the church supports this office or if the Rwandan government does but they have a nice brick building with a large meeting room. I was surprised to see Eric there and in charge. We had met him on our last trip and he had given our group an orientation. Sort of what to do and what not to do according to cultural norms. But, here he was heading up our meeting and getting us set up with the materials for the training, adjusting our laptop to MTN, the Rwandan internet carrier, and giving us the heads up/low down on who would be attending and what was planned. There were budget items to be gone over and we met Pastor Stratton who would be with us for the entire week. What we thought would take an hour turned into 5. Ah, Africa. It marches to it's own time.   
Outside the conference room, the sun blazed and a million birds were in song. Our first day in Africa was beautiful. I was so glad to be back. | | |
| I apologize that I wasn't able to post blogs while in Rwanda this time. The net was down throughout the country for our entire 2 wks. I will retrace our steps here. This time we went deeper into Rwanda; meaning not only it's countryside but into it's scarred and angry heart. I understand more vividly the magnitude of pain and suffering that walks it's roads and haunts it's dreams. Nightmares shadow the sunny days of summer and lurk behind besieged, suspicious brown eyes. There is a desperate march toward healing spurred by "Never Again"; the words emblazoned on banners along the highway referring to the 1994 genocide. They have done much to reconcile the killers with the victims. In Bishop John Rucyahana's book The Bishop of Rwanda he talks about his prison ministry and how Christ has brought about repentance in some. He talks about the governments role. They have a policy that I would not have thought of. Because the majority of the population were perpetrators or forced to participate in the genocide President Kagame decided to base release from prison on repentance. In a society where men are not allowed to cry, weeping has become a sign of true remorse. Bishop Johns ministry has made the first cases of reconciliation between killers and victims possible. Often they live in the same communities. He has spearheaded a program of compensation also. Most of the victims homes were also destroyed as part of the genocide. Now, some prisoners are able to build homes for the families of the people they slaughtered. Through this process there has been forgiveness as both the killer and the family work together to restore the home destroyed. So, here we come after 36 hours in the air and in foreign airports. What do we have to offer in a place where God is welcome and working and blessing? We are bringing another tool to add to their toolbox. One that works around the world to heal hurts and habits. But, it has never been applied after genocide. It was written for alcoholics and drug addicts not murders of babies and the mothers of those babies. Yet, it has worked in my life and I have no chemical addictions (except chocolate and now, African tea). It has worked in my husband's life to forgive the man who killed his brother (motorcycle accident). So maybe. All I know is that God has directed us here to Gitarama in the Southern Province for the first Celebrate Recovery Training in Rwanda. There were 70 pastors and their support staff from 19 churches of all denominations in attendance in a small, tin roofed, cement floored brick building sitting in white plastic lawn chairs. They had no idea what they were about to experience and we had no idea if they would understand it. | | |
| Well the weeks have flown by. We have been involved in opening a new Celebrate Recovery at a neighboring church, studying with Bible Study Fellowship, leading our small group with its new members and I have been leading a Bible Study at work. Not to mention my husband has been under fire for some past issues that the Lord allows to continue. For his growth, no doubt, but still pulls our focus off of Rwanda. In the midst of this over-activity we have also attended 5 or 6 training sessions for our upcoming trip. We are traveling to the Southern Province to Gitarama which is the second largest city in Rwanda. We will be teaching a week long Celebrate Recovery seminar to pastors from all over the Southern Province. We will take them through an actual step study group where they will answer the questions in Lession I - Denial. We'll also be giving our testimonies and teaching them how to conduct a Large Group meeting/worship, how to write/tell their testimonies, and have them begin writing their 4th steps; their inventories. These pastors will then take CR back to their churches and begin their own ministries. We have had the Leaders Manual translated into Kinyarwandan so that they will have a reference. We are expecting between 60-80 participants. This marks the first introduction of Celebrate Recovery into Rwanda. I can't express how grateful I am to be apart of it. I wonder if we will be successful at all given the difference in culture. What works in the west doesn't always work the same way in other places. I have a feeling that we are about to discover what doesn't work. My husband and went to Rwanda in 2007 and I thought I knew what issues the country was facing. Mainly they are facing trying to bring two factions, the Hutu and the Tutsi back in harmony from the worst genocide in recorded history which means they need the 8th step - forgiveness and reconciliation. I also assumed, for instance, since there were no bars in Kigali, the capitol, that there wasn't an alcholic problem. Come to find out that there is a problem. I feel certain that, if nothing else, we will know what their real issues are before we leave. I expect that the team that follows us will be more effective because of the mistakes we will make. We're catching a flight out of LAX on the morning of Jan 14. We'll be in Kigali late Thursday night and traveling to Gitarama on Saturday. Church on Sunday and a welcome/greeting session with those that have arrived for the seminar. Monday - Friday we'll be conducting the seminar from 8-5. We'll spend a couple of days on Lake Kivu kayaking with the hippos. Then, Dave and I hope to meet with our friends in Kigali before we get on the plane for the 34 hour trip home. If you're inclined, we covet your prayers. | | |
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